yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
