thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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