Got a toothbrush?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
