there's paper in my vomit.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
