So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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