She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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