if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
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you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
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Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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