Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
