How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
