I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
