Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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