he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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