Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
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Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize