you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
