So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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