Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
