If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
