She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
