I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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