You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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