I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My butt remains clenched, sir.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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