one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
20+ Wholesome Memes You Need In Your Life Right Now
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.