I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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