That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
