I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
