can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
