I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
