i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
They have beer where we have blood.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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