My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
