When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
