still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
