last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You ruined the universe
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
