yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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