omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
