Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
