Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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