What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize