dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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