he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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