I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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