I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
