I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You smell like stripper and shame
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
