i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
