Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
