I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think my vagina is haunted
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
