stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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