sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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