genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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