I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
