Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
