i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
