i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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