Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
