What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
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I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
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What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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