apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
