Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
