he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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