he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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