and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
