My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
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How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
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We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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